Monday, October 6, 2014

It's Not My Fault: My Baby Ate My Brain

Oh boy. If you're currently pregnant and looking for your brain at the end of the pregnancy tunnel, I have bad news for you..........your baby already ate your brain through the umbilical cord like it was a milkshake through a straw and you'll never get it back. People have always warned me that I'll never be as smart as I was before I got pregnant, and it is oh so true.
Let me just give a run down of a few dumb things I did this week. 
Sometimes the boy is just in a crab of a mood. As I realize we humans aren't all peaches 100% of the time, I tired to just accept that Tuesday was his day, but it was hard. He cried every time I tried to put him a down for a second, literally, which made every aspect of life 10 times more hectic and difficult. In the chaotic blur of getting Patrick's and Dillon's gear packed for swim lessons, half of Dillon's accumulative belongings together and in the car for his first day of new child care, my things for work, eat, pump, and squeeze in a shower (all with him screaming at me), I was lucky to even find my way out the back door. It wasn't until I walked into the hospital that I realized I didn't have my very important backpack harboring my very important work badge (that I purposefully placed in my back pack so I wouldn't get to work without it). My perfect photogenic memory informed me the bag was laying on the dining room floor, lonely and scared, surrounded by the disaster of a home I'd left for Patrick to put back together. I had to call my hero of a husband and have him drive back across town to bring it to me. #fail
Thursday was going to be a new story!
Sing with me: It's a new dawn! It's a new day! And I'm feeling good like I really got my shit together!
I was on the ball with a happy baby, a motivated me, and a mission to do better. I did all the dishes, took the puppies on a walk, read Dillon a few books, got my things together and wardrobe laid out for work without turning the house upside down, took a shower, convinced Dillon to take 2 naps in his pack-n-play for the first time ever, managed to squeeze in a 30 minute nap of my own......things were looking up. I even got us out of the house in time to see Jessica for her Dirty Thirty happy hour........but just before we left, something snapped.
I was pumping and overflowed a bottle. Covered in milk, my initial mild distress was worsened to moderate by the realization that I was also covered in baby stool. There was poo puddled on the couch (thank goodness it's leather), soaked through Dillon's onsie from his diaper up to his neck, and saturated through my yoga pants. After we were put back together in working order, I started to load the car in a monsoon. A severe thunderstorm rushed in out of the clear blue sky just as I needed to leave!!! One trip and I was completely drenched; water dripping from my hair, I looked like I had just jumped into a pool fully clothed (I really did do that once). I quickly snagged my rain coat from the coat closet (wait for it), and braved the storm once more to put Dillon in the car.
Patrick met me at Chuy's to get Dillon and wish Jess a happy birthday. As he was leaving he said, "Do you need anything from the diaper bag?"
"Yes!! I need my wallet."
"Is that all?"
 I nodded yes.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I have everything in the car." That should have been my hint. The car. But I no longer have a brain, so it slipped right past me until I actually needed to leave.
That's right, you guessed it. My keys were in the diaper bag. I called Patrick, begging for mercy and forgiveness. You'd think I'd been on my toes (with all I've put him through in that last two days) when he drove back to drop them off, but I wasn't. I missed his call and he had to resort to calling other people to get my attention.
When I finally was able to leave the restaurant, I realized as soon as I got to work that I had forgot to pay for my tea, so I had to call the birthday girl and ask her if she'd spot me. #epicfail
And what you've been waiting for? Well.........when Patrick got home he sent me a text. "Weirdest thing. When I got home I couldn't find Callie. She was locked in the coat closet behind the pack-n-play."
He had no idea that I'd had my rain coat. As a matter of fact, the storm that caused me so much grief was blowing and going so fast, it was gone just as fast as it came. It was nothing but sunny skies on the side of town he'd met me at and he'd wondered why I was wet. But Callie is terrified of storms and must have sneaked in the closet during the 3 seconds I had the door open and spent the next 2 hours in a dark hole patiently waiting to be rescued. #legendaryfail
Two days later I was left the house without remembering to insert any nursing pads after getting dressed. I realized it in the car and frantically searched for anything absorbent to stuff in my bra before the entire city noticed my light grey shirt turn dark grey over two very distinct landmarks of the female body. Luckily I found exactly two cheapo fast food napkins. #closecallbutstillafail
So there you have it. I'm off my rocker with a capitol R..........or O.......I'm not sure, because like I said, I might as well be the scare crow from the Wizard of Oz.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Love So High We Can Fly

Once upon a time, when he was still in training, I sent Patrick out for limes, and he can back with green rocks in disguise as the citrus juice bearing fruit.
"What the hell is this? You paid for these?!?! A 10 ton road roller wouldn't even be able to squeeze anything but pulp dust out of these sorry excuses for limes!" I tried not to yell, but was in complete disbelief.
"I thought you always pick out the hardest fruit. Isn't that why you squeeze everything, to check?" Question marks were all over his face. Needless to say, I just had to mix my margarita a little big stronger that day, and laugh at the ridiculous ordeal. 
Years later, he knows what produce is suppose to be firm vs. soft, he's way better about just telling people, "no" instead of trying to please everyone and as a result is no longer a flake, he's competent in  the task of separating laundry, he's way more efficient about communicating to the waitstaff at restaurants to get what he pays for, and he's the best new Daddy ever!!!!!
But he's still a (tall dark and handsome) chicken.
And here I am, exactly the same. The bossy as ever, cover stealing, messy house dweller, side seat driving, forgetful, but loving wife to the most wonderful husband a girl could ever ask for.
6 years ago on Saturday, we were united under the eyes of God, and to celebrate, I wanted to go sky diving. But since (for some crazy reason), Patrick was scared that jumping out of a plane may end one or both of our lives, I (being the amazing wife that I am) decided to compromise (because that's what a healthy long lasting relationship is all about), and pretended to sky dive in a indoor wind tunnel at iFly.
What an experience!!!
We donned our body suits that reeked of other peoples sweat (because what's more romantic than that?), plugged up our ears with orange foam (besides, what couple needs to talk to each other, anyway, after over 8 years of togetherness?), strapped on foggy eye gear, buckled into helmets (just in case we forgot how to use our hands and stopped a wall we couldn't see with our faces), and jumped into the middle of a hurricane (which was similar to driving 200 miles per hour down the highway and sticking your head out the window).
An instructor stayed in the tunnel to make sure we didn't somehow get ourselves killed help us stay afloat and to signal commands, and at the end of our second flights, he grabbed ahold of our suits, taking us high and low into the tunnel, spinning us in circles. My mouth was fixated in a gaping grin, with spit mercilessly escaping beyond the threshold of my lips. Each flight lasted a little over a minute, but with all the work involved, it felt more like five.......probably because we are both shamelessly out of shape right now! I'm even not going to deny the fact that I had some sore spots the next day.
When the flying escapade was all over, we crashed Ally and Stuart's house to introduce them to Dillon, watch the Baylor football game, and devour the amazing anniversary dinner Stuart had slaved over all day.
Even though we didn't actually jump out of a plane, I had the best time with my best friend with the best benefits (sharing a life together), and I look forward to at least 60 more years of adventures with my one and only love (especially since he's already trained and knows the difference between a lime and a rock).

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

What Do Pirates, Lady Bugs and Bulls Have in Common?

Believe it or not, I'd never seen a hot air balloon in real life until a couple of weeks ago.
After learning about Plano's Annual Balloon Festival a few days too late last year, I'd been counting down the months until the next one ever since. One day, I'd LOVE to take a ride in one, but for now, checking out the scene would have to suffice. 
I wanted to witness the famous balloon glow and fireworks on Saturday night, but my work schedule interfered, so instead we woke up bright in early (actually it was dark and early, since it was before sunrise), to watch the rainbow colored majestic flying devices inflate and take off with the luminosity of the cotton candy clouds in the back ground, surrounded by the magically cool morning air. 
A light fog covered the field in a sheet of mystery, and we patiently waited on our picnic blanket laughing at all the unnecessary personal information the announcer was commentating to the crowd to pass the time as the fiery glows in the foreground resulted in growing chromatic air filled masses.   
Tiny little people worked diligently on both ends of each gentle giant, pulling on ropes and fanning hot air. 
Dillon was perfectly content napping, and I would have been as happy as a clam had I known I could bring in my own breakfast and coffee. 
And as the clouds cleared the area and the sun lifted into the sky, so did the balloons, one at a time, decorating the sky with pirates, and lady bugs, bulls, flowers, and quilts. 
We lifted Dillon in offering, to see if one of them would take him, in exchange for a free ride, but they just kept floating further and further into the distance. 

Once the show was over, all three of us were ready for a cozy bed.
We skipped all the live music and fair style food, and opted for a slumber, with sweet dreams of beautiful balloons.
Next year we'll be pro's and all the other spectators will be jealous of our picnic breakfast spread, or maybe I'll plan my schedule better and we can hit the night scene for the glow viewing, either way, I hope to be back!   

Monday, September 29, 2014

Dillon 3 Months: Farting Prodigy

Well well well.......
Look who's 3 months old! I'm sure I'm just completely senile, but it doesn't feel as though much has happened this month.....probably because it went by so fast (hence me posting this almost 2 whole weeks late)!
The most eventful thing we had happen to us this month was a couple of major monitor mishaps. I was convinced there was some sort of monitor destroying force field in our house. We'd only been using our previously loved (bought second hand) video device for about two weeks when it suddenly stopped working, so we bought a brand-spankin'-new-top-of-the-line-Cadillac of all monitors, opened it with all the excitement of a couple of  kids on Christmas morning,,,,,,,,and the darn thing would never turn on; It was broken before we could even get the gratifying feel of peeling the sticky plastic off the screen's face!!!! A third time's a charm, though, and we finally ended up with a cool new WORKING adult toy that video pan's, 2 way talks, measures the temperature of the room, switches back and forth between two different camera's, has night vision, and even plays lullabies.

Here are a few of Dillon's milestones/personality traits blossoming this month:

1. I'm pretty sure this boy is trying to grow up too fast......already working on cutting teeth! With a constant river of drool streaming between his bottom lip and shirt, trying to fit both fists in his mouth, and wanting to gnaw on anything he can get near his gums, it's a dead give away.
2. He finally let loose his first giggle. He thought it was hilarious when I sat him down in his yellow rocking chair, and laughed about it for about 10 minutes straight.
3. He's still sleeping in his rock-n-play, but we've graduated to him sleeping in his own room all night and moved on from swaddles, into sleep sacks instead. The next and final step is to put this big boy in his crib......Patrick and I keep procrastinating, out of pure fear that we're going to botch up the good sleep we've been getting. He does enjoy laying in his crib during the day, though, mesmerized by the mobiles I made him.

4. Once a Milk Monster, always a Milk Monster. I don't think we're ever going to get away from hourly feeds in the evening until he starts eating real food.
5. He is totally into playing with his hands/feet, grabbing rings, and sitting in his bumbo chair so he can scope out his surroundings.
6. I hope he somehow manages to miraculously crawl one day, because he still throws a fit when we make him do any kind of tummy time. I started just letting him fall forward when he crunches his abs while sitting up, and leaving him that way until he starts fussing, so he can get some sort of neck/back workout in..........and every single time, he farts. One day he did it like 10 times in a 5 minute period. Fall forward, fart. Sit him up. Fall forward, fart. Sit him get the graphically hilarious idea (especially since it's so innocent). He had to have set some sort of record or something. Ladies and Gents.....we have a farting prodigy on our hands!
7. He's a bone-a-fied hair puller. 
8. I know it's not recommended, but this boy really enjoys sitting in his bumbo and watching t.v. from time to time........I mean, geez, there's really only so many hours a day you and sit and stare at each other. Get real, American Academy of Pediatrics. 
9. I'm still in love with the sweet little noises he makes while he's eating and the way he buries his head into the crease between my arm and torso when he's sleepy.
Is it to ambitious to hope he'll be a cuddle bug forever????

Sunday, September 28, 2014

#dillonaday Weekly Roundup 15

#1 Hangin' with Granddaddy. - September 21
#2 This thing Mom put around my neck is quite the delightful snack. - September 22
#3 Sometimes you feel like a turd....sometimes you don't!!! - September 23
#4 It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A! And in my swing.......  - September 24
#5 It's all fun and games while she's standing there.......and I know how to turn on the water works to keep it that way. - September 25
#6 Me and Dad charmed all the girls at the mall's too bad Mom was asleep and didn't get to witness it. - September 26
#7 Daaaaaaa Milk Monsterrrrrrrrrrrr. - September 27


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